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Urgent Press Release
Mr. Trump has decided that, given how criticized his hands' size are (see below), he will receive a hands-enhancement operation.
He soon will be undergoing a minor surgical intervention that will allow him to shake hands with a greater number of his millions of supporters who faithfully believe he should be so handled.
The operation will be performed in Moscow, courtesy of Russian Federation President Vladimir Putin, a sincere admirer of our hand-some billionaire mogul.
Thanks to the wonders of post-Soviet medicine, Mr. "new-hands" Trump will implement his desire be a "hands-on" president.
Meanwhile, please take note of the Trump family's sincere, humanitarian concern with protecting our hands from inclement weather:
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