A secret American plan to save the Sochi Olympics: Bring on the NFL!

FROM: The Directorate, CIA
TO: The President of the United States
SUBJECT: Sochi Olympics

EXECUTIVE SUMMARY: By Executive Order, illegal or not, POTUS should reschedule the National Football League (NFL) Superbowl (February 2), unknown to many parts of the world, to Sochi, where the Winter Olympic Games are opening in that sub-tropical Black Sea Circassian city February 7.

It is in the American national interest to hold the XLVIII Superbowl in Sochi. Such an event would contribute to our country's short- and long-term world dominance for the following reasons:

• It would elevate the most-watched American sport, of limited interest outside the USA, to Olympic status, thereby producing a global audience (and huge potential advertising revenues -- no need to tax them, though) for the NFL;
• It would send a "clear message" to the Russian Government that we are prepared to combat the threat of terrorism by cooperating with it (Mr. President! -- apologies -- by "it" we mean the Russian Government!), as the presence of gigantic USA football players would frighten the underweight, unmuscular, terrorists away, including their hooded female agents;
• More American security personnel would be deployed at Sochi, which would be welcomed by Russian officials fearing that they lack most elementary hardware/software (including fancy Secret Service sunglasses) to preserve security;
• We all know that our U.S. military is overstretched. The NFL players  -- if they can stand a  "paycut" for the sake of their country -- could be "surrogate" agents for a mission to protect The World, in this case around the Black Sea. Doubtless the NFL pros ("hey, what's in it for me") would require much rhetorical inspiration for this to be accomplished.  But we know, our secret surveys show, Mr. President, who inspirational you can be, despite your Harvard law degree.
• Sochi officials, longing for cash despite their reported immense corruption, would benefit from bored, free-wheeling NFL players spending thousands of dollars on "entertainment" of various sorts, which on the plus side (from a U.N. perspective) could contribute to population growth in the area;
• Most important, holding the Superbowl in Sochi would spare our long-suffering American football fans (paying thousands of dollars) to watch the Superbowl while enduring projected cold temperatures in the New Jersey stadium near the Big Apple. This, politically, would be a "slam-dunk" for your administration, which we, the football-loving intelligence community, serve with utmost dedication, so long as it's not too cold outside.